456. Dramatic Changes at the Whereabouts of 207 Hillview Drive... Blog Entry (Book Volume) #1

Not exactly your stereotypical graduate student house... I could say that everyone's a bit too responsible... not enough late night keg parties... not enough abnoxious accumulation of random crxp over a period of a couple of decades, not enough dust, spiders, and overall lack of maintenance... not enough weed... but I live here and some serious changes are happening.

It sounds ironic... to think that I have been living at 207 Hillview Drive for almost two years... and so many things have happened... and I haven't devoted a SINGLE blog entry to 207 Hillview Drive! Though I'm scared to think that a Blog Entry would transform into a Book of Graduate Student Drama, like Ph.D. Comics Version a la Victoria... but I know, I know I must prohibit myself from "going there" because Graduate Student Drama as I have come to realize is not the center of the world's universe, though it is the center of our own academimicrocosmos universe.

Well, then, where do I start? How can I state "what has changed" when I haven't even stated "what is"?!! Okay, okay, like a good little scientist, I will provide a sketchy two-year geological record of 207 Hillview Drive of Goleta, California, from Victoria's frame of reference.

**July 2007 --> Zaca fire. Rock Crabbing. Blue Horizoning.
**August 2007 --> Vic finishes Blue Horizons film program and considers finding a house to live in for fall quarter at UCSB. She wants to transfer to UCSB from UCRiverside for environmental media programming. She finds an advertisement through the Community Housing Office (CHO) for a $500 room for rent in a two-story house in Goleta. Vic meets Karl Rittger and Julie Ekstrom that day. Julie and I clicked; we're both interdisciplinary students. Karl was really cool. He studied climate. Both Julie and Karl were Brennies. Some other dude by the name of Kyle was going to live in the other room from Carnegie Mellon. Long-time friendship with Karl... since undergrad days of Brown University. Kyle studied climate and energy policy for his Ph.D. Kyle's girlfriend Lisa is a few blocks and a park away, along with big black grumpy megafauna labrador by the name of Onyx... and then later a pound rescule cairn terrier who looks like Mini Miss Einstein, more renowned as Mini or "The Pin." She's a work of fiction and a mystery of biological classification.
**September 2007 --> Vic thought she wasn't going to get the room. It's very competitive, but low and behold a week later Karl called me back and asked if I wanted the room. 207 Hillview Drive is 20 minute Drive from UCSB (a bit far!) amidst the avocado groves... not the beach... but the neighborhood is quiet, a family with three boys next door and a Weed Doctor and his family who ran for the Isla Vista district is our other neighbor (wow we have a politician right next door! that's a stereotypical grad student neighbor!), and there are really cool neighbors overall (families with little kids or high school students), park right down the street, like 50 meters away... the structure of the house is optimal::: communal rooms downstairs and private rooms upstairs, no lease with the owner, keeps the rent cheap, COOL! I'll take it
**Fall 2007 --> take film studies 183 with Drs. Janet Walker and Melinda Szaloky, discovered Godfrey Reggio and Phillip Glass; my life is a wreck, which department do I go for graduate school? Film and Media Studies? NO WAY Bren? NOT TOO SURE Media Arts Technology Department? COOL! Nancy Kawalek is VERY cool...
**November 2007 --> my grandmother Marion passes away, I find out in the morning, that day was shot
**December 2007 --> I have a good talk with Dr. Melack on a rainy friday afternoon after one of the first Environmental media Initiative Research Focus Group meetings, asking him where this is all going for Bren... he seemed like he was the only one around...
**December 2007-January 2008 --> I spend my entire Christmas Break writing "An Inconvenient Truth and the Relativism of Environmental Science"
**Winter 2008 --> I become closer with Julie and we have longer discussions about her research in governance and institutions with ocean management, text mining, etcetera // I schedule an appointment with Dr. Oran Young and describe to him my haywire graduate experience // I meet enough people around campus such that if Bren does not accept me into the school I will piss off a community of people who support me but are from other departments
**February 2008 --> I have a heart-to-heart talk with Dr. Steve Gaines and we spent quite a bit of time discussing An Inconvenient Truth, I got over my foofoo bullshxt from undergraduate days, the whole PISCO situation when the research was first started and I was a lost soul of an undergraduate becoming trampled by an academic machine that was just starting to crank; Dr. Gaines inspired me so much that I wrote my statement of purpose and application to Bren, he solidified my ideas... I'm thankful for that Friday afternoon talk, very windy, dreary Friday in a large office, fourth floor of the Marine Science Building, the ocean below
**April 2008 --> I get accepted into Bren, I say "oh shxt, now what?" I sign some Statement of Intent to Register form and then I felt stressed, I ate a piece of shxtty Rusty's Pizza alone in the car, I ate that crxp food because I was stressed; I went to Orientation and met a bunch of potential future Brennies
**April 2008 --> COMPASS Communications Conference, I met ThePsychopathicKoan (TPK) in the face though on the surface it was an ideal combination of science-art, became friends, went to the LA Times Book Festival and met Lulu Representatives, I was convinced to self publish, I was trained by TPK how to push buttons, manifest the reptile, stupid dress-up, Toastmasters
**May 2008 --> TPK said something profound in May and for a month I worked my xss off to finish up, compile, and print out Question Reality, Toastmasters
**June 2008 --> Question Reality is self-published, I volunteered in Photography / Videography for the Santa Barbara Writer's Conference; Pilot Writers Write-off Reality Show
**July 2008 --> Gap Fire, TPK had a tooth pulled and some implant done and since then he shoved me away, and my summer started to go to shxt... external hard drive crash, etcetera, first he smothered me and then he shoved me away
**August 2008 --> memorable birthday 27, Painted Cave, Ross Run $130 of clothes I need to burn, huge struggle, stuck because of the tumor of TPK, started going to Shelly Lowenkopf's writer workshops, wrote poem for The Myth of Sisyphus Part 2, started writing EOT (not now) but was interrupted by Ray's poor health and negligent TPK
**September 2008 --> Ray's health going down, I had a panic attack, wrote Black Wave of 101 Leg Squid poem (welcome to the university!); the TPK relationship was a sunken ship and all went down, I was going crazy for a while; rough relationship with an advisor culminated the day before the passing of my grandfather (November 2008), taking classes with Dr. Sam Sweet, evolutionary vertebrate morphology (need to follow up with the Adaptive Grid Model), committed to a job with Fisheries Stakeholder Meeting (FIN), Fisheries Information Network
**November 2008 --> Papu Ray passes away, I saw him the day before he passed, Jenny and Bub witnessed his passing; around this time, Dr. Michael Osborne gave me the "magic word" that will allow me to do cross-disciplinary academic research; it's called METAPHOR... wrote Matrix of Metaphors
**December 2008 --> I hid for a month and compiled two hundred and something references referring to scale and metaphor, I provided to Dr. Young and he was much less concerned about where I was heading; first FIN meeting and I met 30+ handsome hunk muscular, skin-parched fishermen with big boats and they are out on the ocean and catch fish and invertebrates and escape the insanity of society all together and I started to feel better about human beings and life in general; I talked to a particular dude named Jules who was very nice and we had some great conversations and interactions afterwards
**January 2009 --> applied for AAAS Mass Media Fellowship but that is close to moot because most traditional media is going to pot, started becoming inspired to write again EOT, but was interrupted, started meeting with a group Woven Atom (Lydia, Becca, Shannon, and me) but starting a literary journal for science and art is a bit ambitious and you'll end up being a slave to your creation, it was difficult to maintain a group
**Feburary 2009 --> AAAS conference, first prideful poster on EOT and adaptive storytelling in science and society, met John Bohannon and Katrien, and then afterwards had fun with Jules and life became even better...
**March 2009 --> published CHESS: The Poetry of Human-Environmental Change, under the advisorship of Dr. Barry Spacks... Barry's my hero and savior of the soul; had hard time scrounging for housemates... will stop around here... getting a bit close to the near future and that is scary because I don't feel happy with where I'm at...
**May 2009 --> wrote Catch Share, Jesusita Fire almost burns home of TPK (lots of self rejuvination through a sense of near death)
STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!

A Brief Geological History of Housemates

**Fall 2007 to Spring 2008 --> Julie, Karl, Kyle, and me; Julie moves out to go to Stanford for a post-doc, Lisa and Onyx and Mini are a few blocks away... they are integral part of the 207 Hillview family
**Summer 2008 --> Julie replaced by Joe and Michaela (Brennie graduate, very chill, bikers, snowboarders), Karl takes master bedroom and Joe and Michaela take Karl's former room by my room
**December 2008 --> Joe and Michaela move out and we are housemateless for THREE MONTHS! Fxck!
**March 2009 --> Gwaz (Brennie graduate) moves in, thank you thank you! very interested in environmental media, computer programming, environmental advertising via internet
**June 2009 --> Karl takes a temporary housing position up by Lake Tahoe somewhere up there (he's rich now, got a NASA fellowship!), and the room is rented out to Laurie (Chris Evelyn's g-friend, education masters degree) for the summer
**August 2009 --> Laurie moves out and Gwaz g-friend Tina proposes to move in, Kyle and Lisa are about to get married, and Karl said he's made a permanent move up to northern California; what?! what?! OMG!
**September 2009 --> I have a Roadtrip Nation internship and I found out that I can't make Kyle and Lisa's wedding because we have an interview with Laurie McLean, literary agent extraordinaire of San Francisco, California, so I decided to make a Photography Collection of the Brief Two Year History of 207 Hillview Drive!!! featuring some great shots of Kyle and Lisa! See associated blog!

371. Some People Need to Make a To-Do List for Survival (and I'm Still Taking Care of Visceral Items!) (Cable-Internet from Cox)

Vic's Sketch Self-System To Do List for more Visceral Survival, Version 1.

Vic's Sketch Self-System To Do List for more Visceral Survival, Version 2.

I still have a suite of paperwork laying on the ground associated with bills. Funzeeks! I suppose I am to be good and get rid of these issues before the quarter starts. Ever since my housemate Julie Ekstrom moved out (around mid May of 2008) (we ended up having the same advisor for grad school!) (oh! I miss Julie! She's up at Stanford! Gives me incentive to go up north and visit!), our billing system had become "decentralized." Julie used to have a centralized system in which she would tabulate all bills (except electric, she did NOT want to be affiliated with the operations of the bathtub-jacuzzi), and we would all pay her. Then afterwards, we established a decentralized system--which ends up working out, even though we have had sloppy accounting ever since--because the bills we are in charge of end up canceling out to some degree. Kyle is in charge of water and trash. Karl is in charge of electric. I am in charge of cable internet and phone. I am sure there are a couple of other minor financial charges to take care of, but Kyle has been very pro-active about things--like having a chimney sweeper come over to clean out the chimney--now we have fires in the livingroom! How cool! It's fun to see how all "transactions" work out such that there is a level of individuality and privacy, but each of us chips in towards creating a common good "collective" atmosphere. Degrees of freedom / degrees of constraint. Serenity prayer. Like a most routine theme of life. Especially in this world.

Here is some basic information about Cox Communications: 22 S. Fairview Ave. Goleta, CA 93117 805-683-6651.

Here are some Sketch Tabulations for the last 6-or-so months:

May 15-June 15, 2008: 72.99

June 15-July 15, 2008: 72.99

July 15-August 15, 2008: 72.99

August 15-September 15, 2008: 72.99

September 15-October 15, 2008: 72.99

October 15-November 15, 2008: 72.99

November 15-December 15, 2008: 72.99

72.99 / 5 people = 14.60

72.99 / 4 people = 18.25

**I think the accounting is simple and stable enough in my part!*

I know I have been horrible in terms of contributing to the Common Good in terms of Household Chores. I need to "mentally frame my mind" in order to get into good habits. The things that I can contribute in terms of collective cleaning--even though my housemates Kyle and Karl are stellar house-maintainers--they go above and beyond expectations--(1) I can take out trash (2) I can help clean up the bathroom (3) I can help maintain the kitchen cleanliness (4) I can vacuum every once in a while. I just don't want to be involved too much in kitchen and carpet affairs simply because (1) I am not a heavy kitchen user "I have an extreme love affair with the microwave, but that's about it." "Though I have a tendency to nibble off of old food on the verge of becoming stale in the refrigerator. Consider me to be the household mouse." (2) I don't own dogs--but oh! Mini Miss Einstein, Onyx Megafauna, and occasional visitors Bentley the Ambassador Dog and Jacumba I adore--they are my family and stress relievers!

369. Industrial Ecology of Graduate School Part 2--Lifestyles of the Intellectually Wealthy, Physically Impoverished, and Culturally Underepresented!

Variation 1:

"Graduate School: Lifestyles of the Intellectually Wealthy, Physically Impoverished, and Culturally Under-represented." (There is no Hollywood Grad Student Flick. Why? Why not! It's about time!) And so this on-going photoessay goes to show the desperate measures a particular graduate student takes in order to survive--physically, mentally, academically--and simultaneously attempts to capture the holistic essence of the rebellious graduate student culture--one of the most psychologically "at risk" groups in America! Well, duh. Our profession is to ask the question "What's the point?" every single day. Of course, we are AT RISK! And secondly, it's great to be "at risk" because it just serves as another excuse to a typical unproductive day of research. Images vary from vices--food, caffeine (etc), sleep, exercise, trash, beer, to office/field tendencies of graduate students, like writing on your hands, playing Outcrop Jenga by stacking paper on top of your desk, buying surfboards with student loans, etc.

Variation 2:

"Graduate School: Lifestyles of the Intellectually Wealthy, Physically Impoverished, and Culturally Under-represented." (There is no Hollywood Grad Student Flick. Why? Why not! It's about time!) And so this on-going photoessay goes to show the desperate measures a particular graduate student takes in order to survive--physically, mentally, academically--and simultaneously attempts to capture the holistic essence of the rebellious graduate student culture--one of the most psychologically "at risk" groups in America! Well, duh. Our profession is to ask the question "What's the point?" every single day. Of course we have a little empty black box in our mind's hearts! Of course! We are AT RISK! And secondly, it's great to be "at risk" because it just serves as another excuse to a typical unproductive day of research. Images vary from vices--food, caffeine (etc), sleep, exercise, trash, beer, to office/field tendencies of graduate students, like writing on your hands, stacking paper on top of your desk that is of relative scale to Mount Whitney. Grad Party Collection Coming Soon!

Variation 3:

"Graduate School: Lifestyles of the Intellectually Wealthy and Physically Impoverished." And so this on-going photoessay goes to show the desperate measures a particular graduate student takes in order to survive--physically, mentally, academically--and simultaneously attempts to capture the holistic essence of the rebellious graduate student culture--one of the most psychologically "at risk" groups in America! Well, duh, that's expected. Our profession is to ask the question "What's the point?" every single day. Of course we have a little empty well black box of emotionally driven intellect in our heads! Of course! We are AT RISK! And secondly, it's great to be "at risk" because it just serves as another excuse to an unproductive day of research (like I made a cartoon, caught a softball and got an out for the city team, drove my friend home in the rain, but didn't get any research done.' Hmmm. Images vary from vices--food, sleep, exercise, trash, beer, to the tendencies of graduate students, like writing on your hands, stacking paper on top of your desk that is of relative scale to Mount Whitney, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera." I'm sure I'll have a "grad party" collection soon enough!

Variation 4:

"Graduate School: Lifestyles of the Intellectually Wealthy and Physically Impoverished." And so this on-going photoessay goes to show the desperate measures that a particular graduate student takes in order to survive--physically, mentally, academically--and simultaneously attempts to capture the holistic essence of the rebellious graduate student culture--one of the most psychologically "at risk" groups in America! Well, duh, our profession is to ask the question "What's the point?" every single day. Of course! We are AT RISK! And secondly, it's great to be "at risk" because it just serves as another excuse to an unproductive day of research (like I made a cartoon, caught a softball and got an out for the city team, drove my friend home in the rain, but didn't get any research done.' Hmmm. Images vary from vices--food, sleep, exercise, trash, beer, to the tendencies of graduate students, like writing on your hands, stacking paper on top of your desk that is of relative scale to Mount Whitney, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera."

Cleaning My Mind's Room, Version 3.0 (Okay! Calm Down!)

I, Victoria, just blew a bunch of neurological fuses. I am emotionally overwhelmed--ready to cry--just like how I was during my first year at UC Davis. My hippocampus has been overloaded--especially after exposing myself to several ideas and people and conferences that had all been buried in my head... and now? They are all in my mind, lively and animated... after a long quarter of being in great dormancy.

I had a series of "thoughtful ideas" pounce out of my head--all in random order in space and time--of course, because I exposed myself in random order. That is what a "mess" is.

I was thinking about my photography. I tended to "kick the camera" towards the direction of non-linear systems, spirals, branching networks, blurry subjects. Nothing predictable. I avoid all systems that have a high degree of predictable properties to them. The only way I can live today is through seeing the world in a state of Uncertainty--a degree of order and a degree of chaos. Predictability will lead to my doom.

I was at home and came to realize that my father indiscriminantly threw away nearly all my "boxes" for stash and storage. I told my mother that if he hadn't done that, I would be getting $50 back for my softball glove. I just recently made the purchase. My mom was like, "Ouch." My dad and I communicate precisely when it comes to research. When it comes to meeting times, when it comes to making plans (I'll be back January something), when it comes to throwing away boxes in the garage, life becomes highly... imprecise... but my dad and I don't care. I told him, "Don't you realize, I had to meditate for a LONG, LONG, LONG time in order to get into your world and your mentality? I had to sit down with myself and ask "What is really a problem?" And do I want to be defined by petty problems, like image, like little annoying things my relatives do? Or do I want to be defined by universal problems--disregard the pettiness of my own life? That required a good, long, hard look at my mind. My father understood what I was saying because there are other family members who define themselves by little petty problems--blown up to issues of Magnanimous Proportions!

My mother always gave me a hard time about my room, but I like how it looks. It is VERY organized. But supposedly unaesthetic. My sister's friend Justin and my mother both agreed that my room looked like a "warehouse," but a VERY organized one! My room used to be a room. Then an office. And now a Production Company. Something like Question Reality Media. The University itself is NOW a Production Company. Possibly the LARGEST production company I know of. Even cooler than anything in Hollywood. Who knows what is behind any of these doors--this matrix of the collective brain?

368. Adaptations to Graduate School (Assessing Visceral Needs Before Quarter Starts, Maslow's Ladder, EusEcoNicheSpace)

In order to write, you first need to create a "mental buffer zone" to convince yourself to write--it's SAFE to write.

You have to be on top of things the FIRST WEEK of the quarter. WHY? The Quarter System is a NON-LINEAR SYSTEM. Just like your Mind. Just like a Film. Just like Climate Change. Just like the Colonization of an Island. Very small perturbations in the beginning of the system lead to drastically different end results. The quarter system is a product of its initial premises.

You have to be on top of the FIRST WEEK. The Quarter System is a NON-LINEAR SYSTEM: a Product of It’s Original Premises.

So, it's important to get into GOOD HABITS FROM THE START. Or the MACHINE will MOW YOU DOWN. You have to establish value in people, in courses, by the first week.

Same with AAAS. I will get out what I put in.

You also have to assess yourself and YOUR HABITS. Because during the quarter system, it can bulldoze you so fast that you can fall into vicious habits that can potentially last an ENTIRE QUARTER! It's very important to be MINDFUL of HABITS, because stress can transform these behaviors to MINDLESS-ADDICTIONS!

Every single time I am writing, I am shifting the baseline in my head. Every single time I emerge from my shell, my den of writing, I see the world in a new light, and I interact with people in a new way.

It's best never to put all your eggs in one basket, like investing all your values and love and hope and dreams into... just one person. It is best and better to come to know and love a place, not just a single person.

Getting to know a place is like getting to know a person, except perhaps a bit more overwhelming. Several more layers. It is best to come to know and love a place in its entirety, the layers of abiotika and biotika, the history of the land and the people, and the community and organization structure. It's best to have a cognitive map in holistic entirety, because you don't want to fall in the trap of embedding yourself deep in the mind of a person who ends up chewing you up and spitting you out in the first place.

A place like Santa Barbara is a mass accumulation effect of multiple characteristics, mass accumulation effect of several layers.

I must establish a solid, loving relationship with Santa Barbara--as a whole--before I return. Then I shall be safe... from the illusions of... you know who.

[I started writing an essay in the car through a voice recorder, so go find it and further elaborate it.]

I am staring at all of my vices and piles of papers on a bed and I am going to find a way to put them all away. I just made an extensive photography collage of eccentric NeoArt (as termed by my friend T) of some Vices of Graduate School Life. The fundamental Basal Components of Graduate Schoolisms. (I cannot interact with anyone who will not acknowledge my existence. I am strangled and then I am abandoned. Fxck that. Illusion of normalcy). I look at all these vices, and I do have a strange Candy-Insulin-Based lifestyle--one-meal-a-day-otherwise-pumped-with-small-increments-of-candy-and-caffeine-all-day-fighting-lion-tiger-state all the time. Eating three meals a day makes you lethargic and you hardly get any work done.

Suspended in a castle on a cloud. In academia, I am paid to think about things for 24-7 while everyone else is maintaining visceral operations of this society. And so... I feel guilty. That is why I work so hard. That is why I work so much. And my sister quizzes me. Everyone is working very hard. And so I shall do the same!

I can see the strong inter-relationships of visceral components of lifestyle: (1) breathing (2) drinking water (3) eating food (4) exercising (5) sleeping (6) making sure your family and roommates are okay--lots of HUGS, relaxation, lots and lots of hugs! (massages for replacement)--some people smoke lots of "weed" to relax... and (7) time for friends, etcetera.... If these basic needs are not met nor well-maintained, then you will have an absolutely shxtty day! Sheeks! That is what I say! And you can't have too many more shxtty days in your life, Vic! You don't even know if you will live till tomorrow! My goodness!

[This excerpt below was written back on October 31, 2008]

Some people need to make a to-do-list for survival--like myself--as if my mind needs to consciously march through some form of Evolutionary Maslow's Ladder--in which half the items on the to-do list are instinctive, and the other half of the items are actually mindful for everyone. Ideally, I would and should go through a self-checking system of basic needs once a week. But predictably, I easily forget. My mind drifts upon something else--many things else--I exist so much in my mind that I forget I have a body and that I need to maintain it a little better than I have--more particularly in the "grooming" needs (as family and friends have chewed me out on my "elaborate" t-shirt and shorts goodwill fashionware). I think I have been wearing the same clothes for a month... and scared to change....

Evolutioary derivation of Maslow's Ladder... like I need oxygen. Most organisms without oxygen are dead within a few minutes, except for a few little boogers of anaerobic bacteria.

And how human infrastructures have been built to match individual needs--from coarse to finer resolution in specialization? Like the University is some kind of External Body Plan to match the Needs of my Internal Body and intensely demanding brain for stimulation? As if the human-built landscape were like wearing a "heavy coat" or mass-accumulation-construction of a "collective bower"? (mystical character bird)

So, right now, I am proceeding to pay neglected bills, shower, self-groom, clean up spews of pink-spotted golden trash ... for Halloween purposes....

I have also reached a SATURATION POINT in term of social maintenance. I am around too many people and thewere are very few relationships I can maintain such that seems to carry and hold meaning and value to them. As a result, I have been horrible in checking emails and returning phone calls.

But I also remember before I started college--back in high school--I didn't have any emails, nor did I own a cell phone--and I was a very happy person (in some respects)--at least in some dimensions to which are now immense aggravations.

This week I wanted to shoot my cell phone. It ended up dying the day before Obama was elected.

And to all the people out there who call me and I don't respond. I just wanted to say that I am sorry the quarter system makes me mentally flipped out and overall sick in the head.

It's not that I don't care about people. I just don't have the capacity to care about them. So I must embrace myself with those of immediate proximity--my housemates, my classmates, and my membership to the Westside Lovepillows Softball Team (which ended only being a two-week stint of horrid softball--me included, made two outs!), my only mental break from language systems and viewing reality only in vectors.

I have reached "Eusocial Ecological Supersaturation," as if my own existence is part of the Physics Superstring Theory. Ha ha. That was a butchered metaphor. Or maybe not. My "lack of mannerisms with others" is merely a bypproduct of supersaturation with communicative technologies and my inability to manage too many relationships with people.

Things are slipping. All the tiny things. Like burning CDs and paying $8 back. Slipping. Shifting. Slipping.

So, now I am proceeding to pay my bills, take a shower, and groom myself, which goes as so far to hair-brushing, leg-shaving, eyebrow-plucking, and overall Body Landscape Gardening. UH, I shall refrain from any further discussion.

Not to mention that my professor Dr. Sweet made me feel guilty for not "backing up any of my work on my computer, so I am proceeding to do that as well...."

[The blips below are separate entities from the ones above, and were written at different times of the quarter.]

Victoria is a series of INPUTS and OUTPUTS. Physical and mental inputs and outputs--with flow rates of mental and physical digestion and maximizing productivity in graduate school life. 12 or less hours of the day are catered toward visceral activities: breathing, drinking, eating, exercizing, sleeping, self and house maintenance, time with housemates-friends-family, traveling (may take more than 12 hours). And the other 12 hours are ideally for optimal "work" and "productivity habits" in association with graduate school--including courses. Last quarter didn't exactly work out so wonderfully as I would like. My last month was a massive spurt of disproportionate productivity. Maybe I will operate under those types of conditions.

Vic has several vices in concern of inputs-outputs: does not eat three meals a day. Places herself in a "hungry-fighting lion-tiger" mode by feeding herself "candy insulin and caffeine" in the form of Werther's Original and Xylitol TicTacs (almost test-tube-like as I had envisioned in high school) (as well as Trader Joes and Starbucks coffee) to sustain her productivity throughout the day. Vic has one big meal late at night. The food makes her sleepy--hence it acts as a purposeful sleeping pill (though some people say it's very bad to eat right before you fall asleep). Vic finds "strange strategies" just to convince herself to SIT DOWN nearly all day--of course with bouts of exercise. And eating three meals will not allow here to do that. Famous encounter with Dolf Seilacher: "Why are you not eating lunch?" And I said, "Because it will ruin my productivity levels in the afternoon." And I saw Chris and Seth squirm, as if they suddenly felt guilty for purchasing some heavy Mexican food at the fancy university diner.

So, now, I am hyper and high strung all day. There are costs to this behavior. I don't know if they are good or bad. I could be sacrificing my lungs with cigarette smoking. I could be amplifying my health problems in other ways--overeating--but instead the body parts that are taking the greatest toll for my behavioral patterns are my teeth. Dental work is a "whole other blog" not to be discussed right now. Drama in that.

It's interesting how all aspects of life have their "own distinct individual knobs" which can organize several thoughts in one's mind, but then again, start to realize the high degree of interdependence and inter-relatedness to all other facets of life--e.g. teeth is associated with food and studying habits and consequentially dentists and American Megacorporate Dogfood lifestyle and graduate school demands, etcetera.

So, I have heard, the Bren MESM (masters) students are a "breed of their own;" such is the perception of other students all around campus.

[The blips below are separate entities from the ones above, and were written at different times of the quarter.]

I hate the quarter system. It makes me a monster. It makes me a person I do not want to be. I am not proud to be.
**To a certain individual, I had been acting like a pompous xsshole. An absorbed bigot. More so out of ludicrous defense reflexes.
**To other individuals, I had not had the capacity to respond to emails or phone calls and act like I have been dropping off the planet.
**For other individuals, I have lagged 2-3 weeks in respones to the Environmental Defense Center to get the photgraphs out for the recent TGIF.

I hate myself.
And then, I myself am trying to keep up with my thoughts?
Trying to keep up with other people? Too many of them?
Trying to "make" progress in my life? Whatever that means?
My teeth are at stake again!

The Quarter System makes me a careless individual. I can only manage and maintain so much and the rest slips through my fingers... and it's just a matter of how much slips... whether I stay afloat... or fall to my doom....

218. Biologically Incorrect Principle of Graduate School Survival (Graduate Studentisms): Special Brownies and Grant Deadlines

I found in the kitchen last night a special batch of pot brownies. I couldn't help thinking how this epitomizes one vital ingredient towards graduate school survival. I don't do any pot. But nearly everyone around me gets stoned every once in a while. A friend of mine told me how can pot be bad when you ultimately can get your shxt done when smoking it. Alcohol will usually now allow you to function!

I already get ADHD from consuming sugar and I have coffee chronically. One more element towards Biologically Incorrect the movie!

Walking on the Edge of a Mental Cliff:
Making a Friday Grant Deadlines by 2 Minutes!!!

I've spent my Fridays in much better ways. I stayed up till 2am last night. I accidentally slept in till 830 am because my cell phone died, and so went my alarm. I woke up in a panic, and took till 11 to finish the rough draft. I worked and worked and worked, as if I were puking out
years worth of stale Mexican food from my stomachbrain. And then I printed what I could print, given the compounding time I had. And I zoomed to school 10 miles per hour over the speed limit the whole way through. The signals at intersections were horrendously impeding my desperate 80-mile-per-hour train of thought. I parked illegally, and jumped out of the car, pressed the elevator button five times, until the door opened. My cell phone alarm rang in the elevator around the second floor: I had three minutes left. And before I knew it, I was on the 6th floor, greeted by an elder, amused man at the door. I handed him my grant application, with two minutes to spare from the 5 o'clock deadline. And he asked me with a shrewd smile, "So you must be the last one to slip it in time?" I shrugged, "I guess so." Then I smiled, "And if there is any stunt, daredevil, edge-of-cliff-walking in my life, it probably shall only manifest itself with the mental: grant deadlines with seconds to go!" The man, resuming his grin, scanned through the materials, nodded with approval, and shut the office door behind him. I left the Interdisciplinary Humanities Center with a huge sigh of guilty, unfulfilling relief, declaring myself a hypocrite, for all I did was concoct a document my mental xss about all the things I was going to do, not reflect upon all the things I've done. And that is the dilemma of university funding. People dozing off about what they're going to do... and how much, truly, has anyone really done? But I am my own island of principles. I'm determined to make tangible truths out of floating thoughts. Only time--the cumulative effects of my own chugging daily grinds--will let me know whether my boastful ideals become well-received been-theres and done-thats.