468. EXTRAS, EXTRA! The Central Casting Experience, Past and Present! (Bonus Scientology Adventure Included)

Today I "dragged" myself into Central Casting in Burbank, essentially a great starting point for experiencing the "on-set" major motion picture scene. I was first introduced to Central Casting http://www.centralcasting.org by my cousin Mike Dillin, who informed me that all extras on the movie/television sets he had been working on were all in the loop of Central Casting. There really aren't too many other legitimate ways in order to be "surrounded by greatness" in Hollywood. There are so many cluttery scams found on the internet--all these agencies that will supposedly book you on major motion pictures and other venues, but about 95% of them are money-grubbing scams. I fell victim to a couple of them actually.

Central Casting is off of Olive-Flower Street in Burbank. I ended turning off of Verdugo St in order to finally found Olive. I bugged my father quite a bit for the directions--bad me--I didn't do my internet homework before! The strange thing is today I didn't find myself venturing too deep into "memory lane" of my previous Central Casting experiences... perhaps because they weren't exactly of too much worth for reminiscing.... Last time I was at Central Casting, I believe it was around the Spring of 2007, when I was doing some elderly-caretaking-house-cleaning-work in Orange County. I just came out of the money-grubbing pseudo-Hollywood experience of Barbizon, and I was finally going to take some initiative and sign up Central Casting. It was also right around that time in which I went to Randy Olson's production/film/studio across the street from Paramount. I was very nervous and jittery at that time. I was on leave of absence; doing things that were "intuitive" to me, but I didn't know where I was heading. I didn't know whether I was going to return to graduate school. And in terms of my "buffet" of artistic experiences, film-making was the last pit stop.

I found Central Casting and was overly conscious about preparing my hair and my make-up-plaster-bullshxt-foundation they call it? Well I wear foundation not from a self-beautification perspective; I actually plaster foundation for the purpose of MATTING MY FACE--ultimately a photographer's perspective. The foundation color is rather dark. I remember approaching the building of Central Casting which seemed like it was out there in the "behind-the-scenes" streets of Burbank--not much showiness to them feeling so important and excited--I would finally have the opportunity to be exposed to the Hollywood scene--directly--with my own eyes! And then when I entered the room, I encountered 200+ other people who perhaps felt equally as important, but then as soon as they encountered the masses of people who were signing up, suddenly they felt like they were "part of the herd," and perhaps the experience isn't as glamorous as they thought.

Just as today, we received a brief orientation to the paperwork. We had to fill out a basic profile form, a W-4 (claim 3) and an I-9 (SS + Drivers License). I did a lot of guess work in terms of my dress size, waist size, chest size... all those sizes I don't necessarily want to know. I was prepared today and filled out the form with my own pen--their remainder pens were all out of ink, essentially. And then being in the back of the room, in terms of registration I was close to last to be registered... well maybe more so in the middle. First set of people who go in line to be registered were the dregs from the previous registration period--they forgot their SS or other form of identification and had to wait in line... TWICE. Second wave of folks to get in line were those sitting on the table. The third wave included "us folks" in the back of the room. And the people who got the dregs were in the catty corner of the room by the photo booth. Poor them.

So, we had a lot of time to kill. Today I forgot the line was to be a line as long as the Disneyland log ride in scorchig 100'F weather; I should have brought Mike Davis' "Dead Cities" to read to pass the time, but I wasn't in my full faculties today. I didn't jog. I was feeling hyper and dirty. I knew that Central Casting only took a half-body shot of me, so I didn't even care what I was wearing on the bottom half of my body, which was jogger shorts. The line was moving as slow as ever, so all I could do was kill time by talking to other people around me. I met a rather shy girl who was an English/creative writing major just graduated from USC (probably in major debt) who's signing up for work as well as applying to be a substitute teacher. There was another talkative guy who did a dating reality show that twisted his info as presented to the world. And then toward the end I met this guy by the name of Dwight Andrew Galbraith of Bluff Entertainment, and this guy knows the ins and outs of Hollywood. He provided a lot of advice and tips, and maybe I'll be able to do some volunteer production assistant-related stuff associated with his work. Well that's good. I felt like I got a score. I met someone who may be able to help me some time with my future experiences. I shall enter this information into my Contacts List and Facebook. He helped delineate to me the boundaries of Cinematographer--mainly the dude who sets up shots and controls all the lighting. May have a few to hundreds of guys working under you, depending on how small or big budget the film is.

BRIEF MENTAL INTERRUPTION FROM FACEBOOK: MAN! I'M SO BUMMED! I COULD HAVE BEEN A DODO BIRD AT THE SCIENCE CENTER! I COULD HAVE BEEN A DODO BIRD! But no, we are interviewing for Roadtrip Nation. I responded to Ty letting him know that if this EVER happens again, please let me know, because I am actually qualified with my height! It's SOOO way better than being a Disney Character, like Pinnochio or something.

Okay, the other surprise is that Central Casting did not make me pay $25 dollars for re-registering. Bless them and the trees! The money now goes toward gas. The last time I was stuck in the line back in spring of 2007, I ended up talking to some teenage girl from Arizona and her mom, who both had great aspirations to become the "next big thing" in Los Angeles... just like everyone else in the room. Zooming back to today, there were two people who stuck out of the crowd of "ordinary people" (including myself). There was this lean African-American lady and her man of equal height, both color-coated in orange. She was wearing a colorful dress that had an American interpretation of African art-design patterns. Her face was of optimal mathematical proportions for top model beauty. I didn't know why she was signing up for Central Casting. I think she should have signed up for an acting/modeling agency/management company. Her beauty is so radiant so distinct, she'll be picked out of the crowd in no time. That woman was definitely one of those type of people that if I saw in the grocery store I would just go up to her and say I'll make a portolio and Zed card for you, free of charge, just for my own portfolio building aspect of things.

The first time I went to Central Casting, I felt that I didn't really meet anyone in particular who could advance my own internal growth and pathway to life, so at least this time I met Drew. The problem is last time I was a sucker. As soon as I vulnerably left the Central Casting building (after all the form signing and picture-profile taking), I was given a "free acting workshop" voucher. It was very obscure in concern of what this was about but this voucher turned out to be affiliated with "The Hollywood Church of Scientology." Gxd forbid, I dare say... I fell off a log and started venturing into a bizarre culture. I was naive enough to go out to the free workshop. I had been by that Scientology Church off of Gower (101 or 5 freeway?). A geology grad student at UCR by the name of Dave told me how his brother lived across the street from that church. His brother wrote screenplays as well. I first went there because apparently there was a bar across the street from the Church/Hotel where Robin Williams showed up and hung out.... I've always wanted to meet Robin Williams. Sigh. So, I already had initial curiosities about the church, and then this time I took curiosity to the next level. "Free" is the sucker in to becoming a money-dumping "convert" to the "bridge" that leads to "infinite freedom or enlightenment." I'm paraphrasing tremendously. The Church of Scientology is a rabbithole for curious and very VULNERABLE souls (post trauma, without direction), but if you get to deep, I have a sense there is no way of getting out.

So, I went to the acting workshop eh? It was very useful. We leared the ARC principle. Affinity. Reality. Communication. aka positive emotions, positive communication, building common positive reality. Essentially a mimic of a triangle I have created for myself. Emotions/values. Language. Cognitive maps. They all feed off on each other in a complicated web. The other aspect we discussed is the notion of expressing problems and realities through "building blocks" or these "non-designated cubes." So, it was about transferring your language mind into a "building block" visual mode, and life is essentially about playing a game of chess. There were a few other key elements that were useful from Scientology, like their own matricized version of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, but what really bothers me is why are all these philosophical/practical/scientific tools tagged with other incorrect myths, housed in a bureaucratic institution of religion?!! That bothers me tremendously. I can see why Tom Cruz, John Travolta, Barbara Niven, and several other artists resort to Scientology because there are several basic tools and exercises that can foster the creation of art, but other than that... there's a lot of money-grubbing hoakiness to the whole seen. Overly pushy niceiness. Plus they OVERLY glorify L Ron Hubbard to a point of godliness. He's the one who said (paraphrased) "If you want to make a lot of money, invent a religion." And so his money-making venture is coming full circle! (There was this stupid cat analogy, the reality of a cat, mental image in your head, whatever).

So, for EXAMPLE, I was so pleased by the free acting workshop (plus they gave me all these free books and brochures that were to inform me of the basics of Scientology) that I paid a measly $35 for some course in "personal efficiency." They keep prices very VERY low for newcomers. I actually met a prize-winning science fiction writer when I first began the course. I never finished this personal efficiency course, and never INTEND to... BECAUSE... (1) they were pushy about my own personal habits, for example, they said to eat a good meal and have good sleep, and I couldn't consume any food while in the course, which violates my own personal habit of gum chewing and candy-slurping and jaw clenching and (2) the personal efficiency course required a LOT of WRITING. And the questions were forcing me to write certain answers that were forcing me to wire my brain in a way I DID NOT WANT TO WIRE IT. I was strong enough to say that I already have my own personal philosophy. I am not going to let these people make me WRITE WHAT THEY WANT ME TO WRITE and ESSENTIALLY BRAINWASH me. (Some UCSB course took a group of students to have a tour of the place for a religious studies class) (I had to take some Scientology personality test, personal improvement test).

Even though the Scientology folks kept pestering me for months on after (even Txriel was annoyed by my bothersomeness with such things)--with phone calls and junk mail (even to this DAY!) to follow up with my Personal Efficiency Course and to extend beyond my free 6-month membership and all these expensive Flagship cruises and the like... I just had to cut the strings and distance myself. And so again, I experience a certain cult of people, a certain organization, and I take what I want from it and dump all the rest as dissolved bullshxt. Enough experimentation there!

What a curious, naive, vulnerable sucker I am! At least in this case, my White Stripes Instincts "Ohhh, I think I smell a raaaaattt, Aowwwh, I think I small a RAT!" kicked in just in time before things became more weird and perhaps inescapable to my monetary-debt bridge to infinite freedom. There's a lot of bad PR surrounding the Church of Scientology. I think the whole group is banned in Germany. Anyway, I just scratched the surface with this adventure, but it's a starting point. I have more details at home.

The one thing I was impressed with though was this little hoaky Scientology "e-meter." I had that e-meter done to me once, and when the dude operating the meter asked me questions, there was no movement of the "needle." Then he asked me about my current job, which was caretaking arthritis-wheel-chair-ridden Momma in Mission Viejo, that needle SPIKED as if I were just electricuted, except I was electricuted by my own INTERNAL ANXIETY! I think that experience was one of the last straws for my quitting that job. It certainly was a sign. Besides, Blue Horizons summer 2007 was coming up. That program saved my life, physically, mentally, emotionally, holistically-spiritually, whatever.

Well, TALK ABOUT A SIDE-TRACKING EXPERIENCE! The Scientology diversion was indeed an ephemeral time-hog in my life. I feel sick even thinking about it. Other than that, back in spring of 2007 I left Central Casting feeling pretty empty, with the question subliminally haunting me, "What's next?"

Maybe it was a week or so, but I finally called in the non-union hotline and I excitedly booked my VERY FIRST extras job. I found out later it was a Cattle Call for Made of Honor starring Patrick Dempsey (who was surprisingly very short). I was to be an "airport chick" hanging out at an abandoned airport with a thousand other extras (and a few cool production assistants). I think it was a 12-hour work day. That day was so fun. I met so many interesting people, including a guy who was the "stunt man" for Danny DeVito. He's about the same size and has some similar facial features. I also met a couple of musicians--singer, piano player--and just an overall intriguing group of people to chill out for the day. I was getting used to the notion that all I had to do was sit around, do nothing, blend into the background, eat lunch, and... DO NOTHING. And I got paid 100 dollars a day to do nothing. It's pathetic. Pathetically cool. And it came to me, I started to understand why the great Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) frustratingly complained about film-making. You sit around all day for 12 hours only to have 30 minutes of disjunct filming and acting. And then, upon returning to the Royal Theater in Britain, Patrick Stewart becomes involved in 3.5 hours of NONSTOP ACTING! He loves theater much more in its dynamics.

The second time I was an extra was an even COOLER EXPERIENCE. Two months later, I called in the right time for a Cattle Call (right before a jog in Lake Forest by Lillian's house) for Made of Honor AGAIN, but this time was awesome because it was the BIGGEST HALLOWEEN PARTY I had EVER been to IN THE MIDDLE OF MAY at OCCIDENTAL COLLEGE. I dressed up as a hippi punk rocker with a rainbow wig and received full attention from one of the make up artists. I was first in line. She added sprinkles and little peace signs to my cheeks. I even received a "special stamp" so that I could receive the union fancy food over the sack lunches. I felt sooo special! I met this guy who was dreadfully good looking and he actually started talking to ME of all things and we hung out for the day. He was a dude with a guitar and he had some good music tracks but I just felt that they didn't raise above the bar--they didn't evoke the chilling or warming emotions of Alexi Murdoch. I don't know where this guy's at. He's one one of my myspaces. He's from the other side of the country trying to make it in Hollywood, like everyone art. I met this African-American dude with a really cool American Judge outfit and he had an opportunity to interact with Patrick Dempsey (who wore an OJ Simpson mask at the party). This dude received formal education in acting from California Academy of the Arts?!! So he was a blast to talk to. I also remembered hangin out with 5-6 cheerleader-types who received SAGs from this cheerleader teeny bopper film. I even received a card from a production assistant who was providing me some advice, and I tapped into the mind of a SAG/union actor who gave me a lot of insider politics/scoop of Central Casting, and when it's best to call it. I also received advice from this cro-magnon dude who signed up for Extras Management, and he said he was managing to make around $1500-2000 a month as an Extra (mind you, this was BEFORE the recession, when Bush's croanies still kept this country in superb delusion).

Ephemeral, fun culture (of mostly single people, movers and shakers) of meeting and greeting with random people who were all living life on the edge, and most of them had their own personal creative projects they loved to share with other people. All of them held the American Dream of becoming the Next Big Thing... but I think that Dream sucks because you become the puppet of many corporations. That dream of becoming "famous" comes with a huge sacrifice of your own personal freedoms and ethics... unless you are Michael Moore or Randy Olson. Not too many of those around....

So, about a year later, when I had returned to UC Santa Barbara (I think I was struggling to get into UCSB), the film Made of Honor was released as a DVD, but never hit the movie theaters. It turned out the Halloween party was completely edited out... oh dear, let's just be politically correct! Whatever. I picked up the DVD and read the back side... oh lord, it's a totally cheezy slime-bag date flick. I felt appalled about being a part of a project that had no motive of responsiblity beyond the notion of cheap-thrill entertainment. WHAT TRAGEDY!

I didn't participate in Central Casting for two years. Two year hiatus. School swept me off my feet, perhaps in a good way. But then suddenly, I had a motive. AND A VERY SPECIFIC MOTIVE. I had this great fondness, great subdeityness of Michel Gondry and Charlie Kaufman after Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind sunk deep into my psyche--illustrating that the environment is a construct of the mind (with its special effects). Then watching huge chunks of Adaptation, then watching The Science of Sleep, blips of Be Kind, Rewind (trying to make creativity and community building accessible to the world at large, he's a humble person of the masses, for sure, there's not a snoot of snootiness about his air in all interviews, written and filmed, just a playful child, never grew up and society allowed him to never grow up) then the Human Behaviour music video, and then DECLARE INDEPENDENCE, my mind started going NUTS with creativity! My dream of meeting and having a civil conversation with Michel Gondry became bigger and bigger and bigger and more magnified, as his own work had trickled deeply into my own psyche. He has become a part of my thought processes and yet all he has been to me are pixels on a screen, an electical box. There's no interactivity. I cried several times, perhaps 15 times over the last 3 years, with a deep, inner yearning to interact with Gondry, to even merely verify that he is real, so that I can just stare at him in the face, shake his hand, and come to the simple epiphany, "If you can do it, then so can I." I found out as a teenager he wanted to become a scientist, but never went to college... and did all this art stuff. Largely self trained in pragmatic skills rather than bullshxt university theory. GO GONDRY! Three prominent pieces that I wrote, am currently writing that are DIRECT INFLUENCES off of Gondry's work is "The Peacock and the Bowerbird" (imagery from Declare Independence provoked the onset of writing the rough draft, which is an eleborate theory of the cycle of human communication to me) (rough draft sitting in my computer, as we speak), "Origins: Be Kind, Rewind" (a song/poem that used the title words from his indie flick) and "Catch Share," a short story that I wrote I have submitted to several literary journals. I included Michel Gondry and Charlie Kaufman in my devotions, because I felt that the story was a different theoretical spinoff of surrealistic, intellectualized human relationships from the Eternal Sunshine movie.

So, as you can see, internally I am ACHING. Deeply aching. Hours of internet searches, reading blogs and stories about Gondry and Kaufman. It's just not healthy. It's not an obsession, of course. It's just a longing to meet the colleagues who dramatically influence your own personal work, just as Dr. Jeremy Jackson made me cry from his collaborative Historical Overfishing paper. I need to meet the people who have ALTERED MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. It's inevitable! The problem is, in academia, it's easy to track professors down. In Hollywood, film directors are surrounded by producers and big actors and publicists and journalists and the likelihood of ever having any ability to reach these people in a capitalist, closed-ended universe of underground Hollywood is close to zilch...

Except...

... within the last few months Michel Gondry had SEVERAL FREE PUBLIC APPEARANCES upon the release of a second collection of videos (I have his first video collection set; I haven't watched all the flicks). Gondry has made himself quite publicly accessible, but every single time I was either uninformed or just couldn't make it. I have been ripping my hair out! Maybe that's why I received two gray hairs this summer! I made a retroactive realization that I am ten miles from Michel Gondry when ComiCon was occurring in San Diego. This guy, who's largely in New York and France; it was the first time I realized I was within TEN MILES of this living tourist attraction! Oh, what agony of such an epiphany! I just can't take it anymore! I need to meet this guy!

Then there came Roadtrip Nation. I have craved to meet so many inspirational people and somehow Roadtrip Nation has allowed me to obscure the pixel-screen boundaries between me and my heroes, to finally make them real. Two people I NEEDED to interview or nevertheless meet BEFORE Roadtrip Nation is over is Michel Gondry and Pete Docter (Pixar). I had several interactions with Gondry's publicity team at ID-PR and I finally received an email response. I had no nerve to open it, check it. Because I know what it's going to say: Gondry is busy filming The Green Hornet. He can't hold extensive interviews right now. And then I was trying to figure out a way how to get on the set for The Green Hornet. I had IMDB Pro for 14 days and so I randomly started calling production assistants listed on the crew, asking how in the hxll did you get this position? I want to help / volunteer! What do I do? I even called a division of Sony Casting to get access to the production company information to see what I could do to help. I chickened out and never called. Chicken Vic!

And then, as my mission became more narrow and determined and focused, I talked to Cousin Mike who actually knew the director for The Green Hornet, he even texted her a hello and friendly phone exchange. I checked again and the Central Casting director shifted to a new lady. I called her in directly and left a message on her answering machine, stating that I was a Ph.D. student at UC Santa Barbara and I was intended on volunteering for The Green Hornet but was advised to contact you in terms of becoming an extra background actor.

And lourdy of all lourds all mightly greatness, a nice youthful voice contacted me Friday evening before I jogged (meeting up with Julie for the evening) stating that I could be on the Green Hornet, so easy and just like that; all I have to do is re-register at CC and call this number, and low-and-behold, I'm squared away! I jumped up and down and felt so happy; it was a moment in which I was wondering whether I could recall how happy I was--like getting the NSF Fellowship or joining the UC LEADs program? I was happy, I jogged so fast my usual Goleta jogging route, but is was more like I was sprinting (I'm lifting a heavy weight off my chest, for sure!), but then I was calm... and I didn't really tell anyone about this monumental feat of founding an avenue to finally see in the flesh one of my heroes, Monsieur Gondry. Michel, mon beau, some day mots qui vont tres bien ensemble, tres bien ensemble... variation of Michelle, Ma Belle oldies song. I no longer have to sing in mourning isolation, but in immense anticipation!

The Gondry/Kaufman Rabbithole in My Head is so deep, I don't think I can get into anymore details! I'm sure they will reveal to me once again, in due time....

So now, here I am, again, today, with everything coming full circle. The avenue of Central Casting opened up in the past and being re-inforced today, but now, I have a very specific-full-fledged mission. "Success in Hollywood" is a repulsive, artificial American Dream. There is no such thing as "success in Hollywood," but what is REAL is the forging of deep, strong bonds with individuals, and how these deeply committed bonds fabricate a novel reality and build a community of creation around you. And the outcome is a film, a book, a whole campaign, a whole new universe. And it spreads... and then somehow... you get money for it... and the byproduct of it all is the digusting label "success in Hollywood." It should be the passion and pursuit of friendships--soulmates--of higher consciousness. And that is the only thing that is truly real.

When I entered the cattle call room at Central Casting, I felt more calm and composed. All the other people were just other people. They were no longer my concern. I no longer felt vulnerable. They were background actors to my mind, because I set foot into Central Casting with a VERY specific mission. And I need to be motivated by the topic of the project from NOW ON. I left Flower Street coming to realize that across the freeway is a very pauche side of Burbank, and that my sister Jenny and friend Lauri were only about a 15-minute drive away. I'm starting to feel like home, even with Central Casting marked on my cognitive map.

If I want to elaborate this Central Casting story of mine, with images and details and the like... I have a plastic bag and folder full of information to tap into, back in my home in Riverside.

281. Baggage and Backstory for "The Elephant and the Oak Tree" One Success is the Summation of Failures

Mind you. I am writing this entire blog in anxiety. My thoughts may not come out straight. I need to desperately jog, but I need to get this blog out of my system.

The accumulation of failures has led to the Illusion of One Success?
With the above abbreviated two-page pitch to the agents, combined with my “visual, professional charm” (ha ha ha, ya right), I was able convince 5/6 agents to take interest in my parable “The Elephant and the Oak Tree.” Two very interested. And I even interested them in the later hours of the afternoon when they were no longer perky or energetic anymore! It was a phenomenal day. It was already amazing to have the ability to meet and talk with real literary “agents.” I have encountered enough scams via email! Well… I found out later that agents, like most humans, are very polite in person, but a few hours later, during lunch, ended up laughing at some work and throwing entire manuscripts in the trash. At least it’s all a personable experience and not electronic form letters. I discovered that literary agents were real human beings. Granted, I learned how to tie my shoes for the first time though billions of people already knew how to tie their shoes, but it’s a major deal for me!

In the end, life is all one big emperor penguin dance (I made a song about this). It’s about finding your “lover,” (academic lover, literary lover, music lover, film lover, evolutionary-build-a-family lover, all the same) your match, your marriage, for a short or long period of time. I got married to Armand Kuris and Bruce Tiffney’s minds as an undergrad. I married the mind of my father a long time ago. And I got married to a few new professors for a few years of grad school. And it’s the same with agents. Agents want to get married to you and you want to get married to agents. Agents can only have so many clients, just like professors can only have so many graduate students. It’s the whole eusocial ecological niche space. And the best way to meet an agent is LIVE at a conference. They are open and you are open, and maybe you can discover you have a match made in heaven. I have a good hunch with some agents in San Francisco. One agent reminds me of my good friend, Lauri Green.

Baggage and Backstory of “The Elephant and the Oak Tree.”
The Benefits of Failure and a Natural Selection of Ideas

It is possible that the most humble billionaire of this planet is the writer for the Harry Potter series, JK Rowling. Paul Burri, a member of a Goleta Toastmasters section, performed an interpretive reading on her speech to a recent Harvard graduating class. It is so important to discuss te underlying mechanisms of success and failure that are never discussed in the story itself... this "Elephant and Oak Tree" story. Whatever I write will represent the summation of success and survival, but also represents a lot of what has failed--tagged along with severe emotional turmoil. You must discuss the mechanisms of storytelling because then you develop formulaic protocols on what works and what doesn't work. This is what you do and this is what you don't do. It seems like every single success story or completed project of this blog is backed up by a series of three years of behind-the-scenes failures. The benefits of failure--JK Rowling discussed how failure chips off all the things that don't work and pulls through all the ideas that work. Very much a process of natural selection and the perpetration of ideas. Then again, I don't understand how society can perpetrate ideas of Disney Disillusionment. I mean, Rowling's writing is great, but it's the perpetration of a Fantasy World. So much for the Natural Selection of Escapism. This world really is going to hxll. Anyhoo, that is beside the point.

But all things that have failed for me are not forgotten. They are a trail of chaotic dust that lay behind me the last three years, that need to be at least accounted for to some degree. The blog is beneficial to account for, remorse over, and place a more formal memorial on the death of ideas, on your failures that didn't work and were chipped off, set aside, buried. Publications otherwise become a "success."

The Inconvenient Truth Al Gore fil was a very polished presentation, but represents 1000 trials of interacting with an audience, and eeach time, he continues to tell stories about global warming that seem to work (or hit people in the head), and the ideas that don't work he just leaves behind and they were never manifested in the film.... But in blogs, you can mention your failed ideas is if they are the buried notes of your sketch laboratory notebook of failed experiments in human communication.

*Sigh*

I am being unreasonable, but I am learning how to adapt to and experiment with society. In order to communicate with people, you have to figure out what people know and don't know, as well as their emotional state. And once you figure out the formula for the societal baseline or "audience baseline," then you start building from there. This is a technique discussed in Dr. Ron Rice's book on public communications campaigns. The Audience Baseline Effect. Dr. Pete Sadler uses it. Pete says that males tend to bluff what they know and don't know (they don't want to admit their lack of knowledge), and females tend to admit what they don't know. They tend to focus on what they know, rather than relish and gloat in what they don't know.

My writing is for open-minded and desperate people. Unfortunately, open-mindedness is highly correlated with people who are desperate and have experienced tragedy. I will continue a later time on my theories of how to manipulate humans and the optimization of dartboard models projected upon the collective human brain!

Aside. Toastmasters is a brilliant test of ideas. Pilot experiments. Testing ground for ideas you would never be comfortable testing around n the univeristy.... You can talk about whatever you want, from the Absurd to the Straight-laced. I can develop singing, and I can also train myself to become a comedian. Whatever! It makes my theorizing SO MUCH FUN! Humor works quite well. Right now I am being in a "literal" phase so the last few times at Toastmasters I have not been in the absurd humor phase like when I first started Toastmasters.

Aside. It seems like whenever I write a disturbing poem, I disclaim ownership and say it's an anonymous poet. Then I place it on my blog and analyze it as if it were the poem of someone else. It's like my brain goes through mental-emotional detachment when I present myself to society. I want people to know certain things and I don't want people to know certain things about me, so blogging is tricky, and sometimes there has to be lots of "bluffing" going on.

Back to Baggage. "The Elephant and the Oak Tree" has so much baggage. Most recently is the Santa Barbara Writers Conference. I had the privilege to sit down with my good friend, Lisa Angle, and I told her the story. Then she guided me how to frame this story as a brief 1-2 page paper pitch to a literary agent. I didn't have time to attend any workshops on how to pitch of an agent because I was busy filming. So essentially, Lisa was so kind to train me!

The most important saving grace from Lisa Angle was that she IMMEDIATELY identified my story as equivalent to the international best seller "Who Moved My Cheese?" (the MD-credentialed author was also a SBWC veteran). That is a thing. I have had difficulty in PIGEONHOLING MYSELF as a genre. So! That took care of that quite swiftly. I was difficult to classify Question Reality. I identified it partly with Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. But it's more like a megabook of philosophy 80% philosophy and 20% setting-character-plot development. I found out retroactively the who-moved-my-cheese-story is a parallel about how corporations deal with change and was a parable of subservience. The issue is "The Elephant and the Oak Tree" is a philosophy of thinking outside the box.... There was a double "aha" moment. Not a singe one. One of self and one of the holistic perception of the environment. But both books have a simple beautiful message embedded within an overarching story.

Thanks to Lisa, I have been able to develop a FORMULA ON HOW TO PITCH TO AN AGENT. Agents are essentially like news journalists. They have ADHD (they even openly admit it) and they ony have a stretch of attention pan equivalent to my former advisor at UC Riverside (who thought of me for three seconds and moved on to the next idea... and it was not her fault, she was chair and didn't have time for me).

Speaking with agents basically trains to to TALK TO ANYONE. In other words, assume everyone has ADHD and say things as if you have 15 seconds left to live. BREVITY IS THE SOUL OF WIT. Maybe today is the day I will have enough time to write a short letter! The stakes are high. And I need to rid these ideas off of my chest. It took me THREE YEARS to WRITE A SHORT LETTER!

At one point, I have Lisa an "ELEVATOR PITCH" literally! And I did it right on the first try with Lisa (with three years of failure)! FINALLY! I told her enthusiastically,

Do you see what I see?
If we all knew we were leaf cutter ants on an oak tree and not blind termites on an elephant, then we wouldn’t be doing what we are doing—hurting ourselves and this environment that keeps us alive in the first place. We need to take a step back and look at the big picture.

This simple message shocks everyone into a koanesque mode. I additionally pitched to Paul Fedorko (Trident Media Group), within a one-minute time span, informing him that I am an environmental media Ph.D. student and that my thesis is that the problem of the environment is not the environment itself, but the human perception of the environment. Therefore we must investigate the way how humans think. This bit of information plus my thesis convinced Mr. Fedorko and he told me to send off the first round of materials.

I love my thesis. It will keep me busy for the rest of my life, for sure. Which is a saving grace in concern of "having something to do that is all-encompassing." The best part of my thesis is, even though it may be too late to "save" the world, at least I will get to fxck with people's minds along the way to doom. I am The Ultimate Darwin Award: Suffering from a Satirically Slow Death. Living in this modern world is MENTAL medieval torture. I don't like waking up to scientifically verifying Doomsday.

Anyhow, I learned how to "sell myself" not only from Lisa Angle, but through encounters with other prestigious people who never had the time of day for me. Like impatient agents and managers in Hollywood who only care about image and not holistic neuronal activity (through the International Model and Talent Association).

I also learned how to pitch in 15 seconds through an encounter with Dr. Jared Diamond, who still treated me inhumanely (I was more hurt by his shoo-off than any Hollywood personality, but I can't blame him because he's chronically being bombarded by students and faculty and the media, so why would he have any vested interest in me? I wish I met him before he became "famous").

If I had 15 seconds left to live, what would I say or do? I remember at the Santa Barbara Writer's conference a lady suggesting that I should talk as if I am trying to convince my disinterested, dying grandmother of an idea (capture the interest of a near-dead or desperate person?). Which is in part NOT funny. I would have had to be 15 years old, because my grandmother went out slowly via Alzheimers. So, I would imagine I have to sound DESPERATE, FLASHY, and TO THE POINT. Hook 'em ASAP before they become addicted to lamenting over their doom.

What could be a better way to capture interest than to SHOCK PEOPLE into a THINKING MODE with the invention of a KOAN? Get their minds into a state of "wait a second--" double bind, but not into a state of denial and cognitive dissonance!

Wow. It took me 27 (godforbid) flippin' years for me to sell myself in 15 second with something original. At least to the creative and intellectual crowd. Not to the bonehead Hollywood crowd.

I guess I have to speak "TRIANGLE" with an ADHD society (flashy stuff in the front and technical details in the end) and "HOURGLASS" with the scientists.

I had essentially 10 minutes to talk to four agent, and 2 minutes to talk to two other agents. I also accompanied our conversations with a PAPER. It was like a query letter, but I felt like the conversation was a query letter. My document was essentially a two-page book proposal that contained the following components in brief: (1) title (2) credentials (3) genre (book equivalent) (4) taglines (5) summary-abstract (6) brief thoughts on marketing (7) format of the book (8) who is Victoria (9) contacts. I additionally provided sample artwork in professional-looking manilla envelope, but that is generally discouraged. I know, subliminally though, that a single piece of artwork can inspire great visions of writing. Writing and art are essentially complimentary.

Anyhow, I was able to speak with 6 agents and 5/6 were interested. Two seemed very interested. Laurie McLean and Paul Fedorko I liked in particular. Especially Laurie. What an enthusiastic, intelligent lady. I even had the capacity to meet Angela Rinaldi, the agent for the bestseller Who Moved My Cheese?

But then, at the same time, I heard retroactively that agents place a facade. They tend to be nice and courteous to you in person , but they have a lot of "subliminal" whatever responses and retroactively throw manuscripts in the trash on the day of meeting potential published authors. Wow. Whatever. I don't blame them. They probably interact with a few hundred people every single day.

I remember a volunteer stating that it's good for agents to meet you in person rather than dealing with emails and other electronic mediation because the agents want to make sure you are a real human being, and not some psychotic off the streets of San Francisco.

In addition, I had the opportunity to present "The Elephant and the Oak Tree" on the last day of the Santa Barbara Write-off Competition with Cheri Steinkellner and a panel of "celebrity judges" including, Cheri's husband, Bill (yes! they are the producers and writers for Cheers!). I actually have to send an email to Cheri and provide her my finalized work from the 5-6 days of write-off competition.

Before I discuss the Santa Barbara Write-off Reality show. I placed a very good pitch to Marcia Meyers and begged for the continuation of the reality show next year. Marcia said yes, indeed there would be another round. It was most certainly an outside-the-box experience that stretched me beyond my limits of what I could possibly do and be as a writer. Cheri and her husband inspired me to one day dream of being a part of a writer think tank for perhaps a film or television series. It was most wonderful experience to finally share my brain with other people after all these years of aching isolation! The Write-off competition combined with the Santa Barbara Writers Conference is certainly inspiring me to finish my Ph.D. knowing that there are dream jobs waiting for me on the other side! (I think being in a permanent state of free-floating graduate-studentism is romantic enough!).

In this reality show, I became intimate and deep friends with a small group of twenty people, as all the chaotic ideas slipping through our heads were written down and crystallized on paper. Then shared this snapshot of cognitive-spacetime-in-code among an appreciative crowd. I didn't know I could make deep friends within one week. Sharing writing is like probing deeply into the neurological structures of the human brain. I also wrote in another journal entry "We have come to express our inner thoughts and manifested and shared and external reality, and to intimately bond with twenty-or-so other random humans was by far the most precious experience."

I saw Penny and Christina (two write-off participants) at Shelly Lowenkopf's Saturday writers group and we were buzzing away about the whole phenomenal experience of the pilot reality show. We talked about how our snapshot of writing at the time represented who we we were. Christina Allison resorted to humor (but at age 90, everything must seem absurd and humorous, even the notion of being 90 years old!) (Christina is so hip and witty and in tune with things as a 90-year old, I thought maybe she was 60). Penny resorted to darkness and gloom, which I didn't think so (I keep remembering her for the epic performance of a Mamette simulation. And for me, I was into environmental philosophy and attempts at satire. That is where my head shall be for quite a while, but everything is all a phase. The only way to write myself OUT of environmental philosophy is to KEEP writing... but then again I will always write environmental philosophy because it's not like I can erase my brain of anorexia. I can only build upon it. Or maybe you can give me shock therapy, and I won't remember ANYTHING.

I told Maria Meyers at the writers volunteer gathering. It was super-challenging to co-write a script. It's almost as if this most talented group of writers emerged from the boonies of America. I think having a writer competition reality show would be a saving grace to Reality Television because Intelligence can be re-integrated into Hollywood. Writing involves thinking, and to win, not only you have to be a writer, but you have to be a multi-media Dramatizer of your writing. The judging was wonderful because you were being scored much like how they score olympic gymnasts. In the end, winning is arbitrary, and it simply represents the tastes of the judges.

I started notcing a little bit of biasing in the judges, because the judges knew certain people a certain way and they didn't know me at first at all. Maybe biased judging is a natural predisposition as to how you come to know the person you have judged. Almost like the whole shifting baseline recency-of-memory effect with choosing who wins the academy awards. How can PSYCHOLOGICAL ACCOUNTABILITY ADJUST THE JUDGING OF SCORES?

You could notice the whole span of writing about the human-environmental condition, and writing that spanned into the realm of commercialized slapstick that is instantly recognized as humor rather than detecting humor upon the second look-second read. If I really wanted to adapt to the contest, it would have to be impulsive writing for an impulsive judging. If the reality show were more fair, there would be two rounds of judging (1) one round as impulsive judging (2) second round of turning in writing and judging would emerge in a half-hour of reading. This would account for impulsivity and critical thinking.

It was nice, one participating writer in the reality show came up to me on the side and told me that I was by far a wonderful writer within the group and that don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I think I am occupying a unique genre at the interface of science, art, and humanity, and my writing is trying to send a personal and universal message. I am actually trying to teach something and change something, rather than just entertain. I also met a guy who writes children books in New York and I thought his work was a blast. I can't believe he's published!

In the end of the Santa Barbara Pilot Experiment Write-off, impulsively intellectual humor won. Such was Christina Allison, international playright and opera singer. She deserved it. I am privileged to be in the same writers group with her now. Wow!

Back to "The Elephant and the Oak Tree"! On the last day of the Santa Barbara Write-off Reality show, wer were all invited to the "ultimate challenge." We were supposed to pitch the ultimate Airport Best Seller. A book that Cheri Steinkellner was willing to read when traveing from Los Angeles to New York. Cheri was interested in picking up the book from the airport bookstore.

In this specific competition, we were supposed to share (1) genre / taglines (2) title (3) (opening poem was optional) (4) opening passage (5) sample artwork.

When I read "The Elephant and the Oak Tree" (psychological-environmental thriller children's book for adults), I realized I completely missed the mark. The barebone essence of Airport Thrillers is slapstick writing suitable for chronic distraction in a long airplane ride. Crazy romance novels and self-help books and disastrous medical thrillers were more appropriate. For example, there was a case study that a woman was fertilized in a swimming pool and she had a baby named Chlorina. That was kick-xss hilarious. In the name of Impulsivety, my idea was out of context and forgettable, because it's a story that requires you to look twice, think twice. I also remember Christina Allison's paraphrased thesis: "I'm overworked, overweight, oversexed, and I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. I can lose 100 pounds in just three weeks!" Another lady wrote about a Sex-in-the-City that is occurring real life in San Diego, an all woman's writer club that revolves around sex--sex drama, sex jokes. I myself, if I thought about such a subject for a little longer than a couple of minutes would go crazy, wondering as to whether other humans had other forms of operating neurons in their heads. This lady mentioned something... something... something... "clitterini." Gawdzeeks.

Even if I didn't do well for this competition, I am not in the phase to "adapt." As my aunt Jeri Lyn Dillin advised, "Just keep doing what you are doing." You accumulate an audience over time as long as you stick to your theme and your territory.

Anyhow, I was glad to share my pitch for the Reality Show.

There is even FURTHER HISTORICAL BAGGAGE of this elephant-oak-tree story.
In the fall of 2005, amidst my depression and panic attacks at UC Riverside, I had a VERY inspirational meeting with my English teacher, Ann Camacho, who additionally inspired me ever since 9th grade. First of all, she was concerned with my obsessive writing style. I wrote too neatly and I even used the aid of a ruler. Little did Ann know (she insisted that I call her "Ann" and not "Ms. Camacho") that this obsessive, perfectionist writing would lead to my writing credits on a film for Goleta Beach. I am a Living Font, and I am proud of it. Maybe I can sell my Font and my Sunflower to Microsoft. There is even software that can allow me to design my own font... Another day! Not now! Secondly, Ann went through some similar self-destructive experiences as a teenager (seems like females implode and males explode). She wasn't exactly anorexic, but it was something very similar. She then told me two very powerful quotes, which ended up being essential backbones to my Question Reality manuscript: (1) You are not healed from anorexia. You have a long way to go (to my dismay at age 17). One day you'll see it. It peels like an onion. I applied this onion-peeling effect not only to human psychology but to environmental deconstruction and reconstruction. Everything peels like an onion in space and time. (2) "When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, there needs to be change."

On the late, chilly, December night at a Riversidian Starbucks, I met Ann, and she got up from her seat to give me a hug--ecstatic to see me! At that time, I hovered around 155 lbs (instead of 95 lbs). She exclaimed that I looked great, and at that moment I felt like I walked onto an Oprah Winfrey Stage for Anorexia Makeover. *Whatever!* Blush. Blush. Anorexia Makeover essentially equated to Mental Makeover and EnvironMental Makeover. Ann's compliments meant a lot to me, given that it was my high school English teacher and not Oprah Winfrey. The truth is I want to go back and contribute to my high school--John Wesley North High. The best thing I can do is tell my Elephant-Oak-Tree story as a presentation to Ann Camacho's class and just show the value of questioning, curiosity, and the need to reunite ideas of science, art, environment, technology, and the human experience. I also want to plant a seed to Ann and the class that you can self-publish your books through Lulu and there could even be a collective poetry/essay journal for North High School!

That night at Starbucks, Ann was telling me on how she was working on a script for a book recapping the major themes of great English literature we totally seem to forget, miss the point, and not bother to teach and inspire. "The Big Picture of English Literature" type of book. Wow, that right there is a great title! Ann was also telling me about her "subliminal turmoil" of living in a house that is right next to a major street, I believe Central. It was impairing her sleeping patterns and amplifying her anxiety and hurting her overall daily productivity (it was probably as turmoiling for her 4-year-old daughter). Her family was dismissing it as a real problem (I think), but I think Ann received courage from me that this needs to be changed. Extra background street noise 24/7 can bother you greatly and hurt your basic neurophysiology, even from a scientific surface-value perspective. It's a topic that needs to be pushed to the front, not shoved to the backburner.

Aside from that, I told Ann about my Question Reality manuscript (I also dropped off a copy to Mr. Hunter (my tenth grade English teacher) and Ms. Lieux (my ultimate high school physics teacher)), and her response took in the form of a story: "Plato's Myth of Caves" (besides giving me a list of a few other books I should read, essentially what everyone else was doing). It is essentially a story about a couple of men in a dark, yet warm cave around a fire. One man didn't want to stay in the cave anymore but the other man said that it was dangerous outside. Why not stay inside the cave, where it's warm and safe? The other man suffered from staying in the cave and went outside. It ended up that it was warm and sunny outside and it felt amazing to his skin. Then there is the Indian Parable about science being a bunch of blind men feeling the parts of an elephant, trying to figure out what the whole elephant was. So? There you have it. Two epic stories combined and intertwined with a third brain: my own! I wrote EOT with two ghost writers on my back! Ha!

EOT was still a baby story in 2005, but I wasn't able to elaborate the story until February of 2008, right before the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS) meeting in Boston. I still couldn't finalize it. Question Reality was still a big tumor in my brain. I was able to see the ending of EOT, which was previously unresolved for two years. EOT is like some of my poems. I let them sit for two years, and then I am able to expand upon them after a 1000-day hiatus. Weird.

Now since I have met Tariel, I can see the ending of EOT for sure.

Then there was a rainy day in fall of 2007. Where I was essentially internally in a state of chaos and falling apart. But I couldn't fall apart because I was trying to get into graduate school at UC Santa Barbara. I was the luckiest person to meet Dr. Nancy Kawalek, head of the STAGE program (promoting experimental theater along the themes of science-technology-art-environment), and she essentially asked me how my "dream Ph.D." would look like. MY GOD! Talk about running into the best possible person! Talk about the BLANK SLATE! Talk about CCS! Talk about INFINITE FREEDOM! Not many graduate students seem to be ready to respond to such a profound question (not many people can handle blank slates), but I was ready. I then talked to her for about two hours in concern of my DREAM PH.D. We both agreed right away, just like I agreed with Dr. Dick Hebdige of the Interdisciplinary Humanities Center at UCSB that the construction of art has very systematic, scientific elements about it. The construction of art is also a process of trial and error, coming to conclusions about what works, and scrapping what doesn't work. There's a form of "relativism" and "intersubjectivity" to science, and Dr. Hebdige recommended I read some articles along the lines of intersubjectivity. I found out retroactively that Dr. Hebdige was into the investigation of rebel sub-cultures, and that his masters thesis became a widely known book! Talk about running into the right people.

Part of this two-hour bout with Dr. Kawalek was my elaboration of the elephant-oak tree parable. She found it absolutely fascinating and a potential STAGE script if appropriately adapted.

I also told Dr. Kawalek that I have a dream one day to do a script that is a satire on the fragmentation of univeristy knowledge, and if a female mind had the capacity to re-organize knowledge and bureaucracy at all scales of the university and society, how would Reality look like? From value-language-perception systems to the new structure of rules and human-environmental systems. Call it a FEMININE INTELLECTUAL MAKEOVER OF THE UNIVERSITY, SCIENCE, AND SOCIETY. As if we were taking the university to a beauty parlor--in the extremist of surface-value Hollywood perspectives.

Well hey. Beautiful idea. But not top on my priorities and to-do list right now.

Essentially, Nancy Kawalek was my light of hope in the chaotic darkness of fall 2007.

Dr. Kawalek was inspired to do STAGE when she discovered an improvisational theater company in Canada (was it "black box theater"?) who performed this magnificent play based on the script of two brothers fighting over some toys as kids scaled out to two countries fighting over scaling of weaponry and the race to space. PERFECT ANALOGY. I could see how this theater company could see human society as the mass accumulation effects of individual behavior.

Well, the baggage of "The Elephant and the Oak Tree" doesn't stop there. The last major time I tried to "incorporate" my story was trying to write an abstract for the AAAS Pacific Division Conference in Hawaii. The project would be classified under "New Sciences-Humanities Convergences," which is certainly a theme of the UC Santa Barbara campus! I interacted with Dr. Robert Chianese, a very inspiring English literature professor at Cal State Northridge (where my sister goes to school for physical therapy) and Dr. Interruption--excuse me, an eager anthropology professor in the School of Dentistry of UCLA--Dr. Carl M*ida. Don't get me wrong. He's a nice guy, but he interrupted me quite a bit, and he even bothered to mostly write my abstract for AAAS, framing the emphasis on communications campaigns. Maybe a typical graduate student would be happy that a professor did the work for him or her, but I ended up being extremely pissed off because writing my abstract is a form of "framing" and "brainwashing," just as the Scientology Church was forcing me to write in a certain way, but I wasn't interested in giving in. Training a person on how to write a certain style and order is a form of brainwashing. So, my father brainwashed me, and so did C Hugh Marsh, who taught me scientific writing. But stepping away from the courses, thinking like my father and like Dr. Marsh makes utmost sense to me. So, this brainwashing I concede to. I am not eager to be forced to write a certain way anymore, and if I expand my writing frameworks, I want it to be my choice to break out of my box. Not a top-down force.

I am sure Dr. M*ida did not intend this, but I have the stigma of Scientology all over me, and I think the only way I can learn how to write is that I write everything out myself. Especially when they are my ideas. The abstract was not my own abstract submitted, but moreso Dr. M*ida's. I didn't have a sense of self-mastery of concepts.

After hearing the elephant-oak tree story, Dr. Chianese claimed that I was an epistemologist and a Batesonian--and I didn't even know it. Hence, the blossoming of ecopistemology. Dr. Chianese was more concerned about the content of the story and Dr. M*ida seemed unconcerned of the story and excited about the campaigns theory context. I started to realize that I may use some data and state from communications campaigns studies, but I want to understand modern communication systems from an evolutionary psychological perspective.

The tragedy of all the work and preparation for the AAAS conference is that I never ended up attending the week-long event in Hawaii (next year, it's in San Francisco, and I can definitely attend)! Two weeks before I was supposed to register for the conference, two of the Hawaiian airlines with cheapest tickets (including ATA) went out of business. It was going to cost an-arm-and-a-leg for me to go. Whatever. Not cool!

In terms of the philosophy of writing parables, I discussed in a previous blog the advantages of writing in Parable Form. Big messages in simple, fun, adventurous stories. In terms of "other mechanisms of writing," I discussed several factors in the meeting with Dr. Hector Javkin.

Such is thr Rabbithole of Baggage and Backstory of The Elephant and the Oak Tree. Now the serious part, FINALLY! To write the story. Geeze!

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