Why do I
have to go
through the past
just to get
to the future?
to the feature?
Why do I
have to ex-
tract the good
from the bad
just to endure--
just to procure--
a seed a little softer
than the one before?
a fruit a little sweeter
than the one before?
a mind a little wiser
than the one before?
a world a little better
than the one before?
[repeat]
This poem/song has come to me "Why Do I Have to Go Through the Past Just to Get to the Future?" quite frequently just the last few days because the first two months of Fall Quarter 2009 were psychologically warping stress-cases of a bunch of abandoned, unfinished projects... the mere act of foraging for a Ph.D. committee and being introduced to the Marine Life Protection Act (MLPA) process in a broader context, and then after feeling stuck and going in circles spiraling to nowhere in particular, I realized I needed to REVERSE THE CLOCK, FULL SPEED go back and finish what I started at the beginning of the quarter... which is the dealing with The Mountain's Last Flower. But not as a writer in the system, but more so wearing the hat as a book designer, a manuscript submitter, and an overall business chick, self-deprecating-self-promoter. Because that's what society has forced me to become. Stupid gxd-dxmn self-promoter bullshxt. I hate it, but you gotta suck it up, girl. Be a big girl, eh?
This poem/song has somewhat deep origins in my head... back to about a year ago (actually late February of 2009... oh how invigorating, always to remember him, see him with fresh eyes...), when I first met Jules... in his San Diego context. I remember driving down from Santa Barbara all the way to San Diego, and I remembered all the elements of the landscape I had some form of fragmented experience / attachment to... but they all seemed like my own personal failures... more notably my experience with Gxd Forbid Barbizon and International Model and Talent Association (IMTA), and then my volunteering with California Sound Studios in Orange County... which I have lost touch at this point... all this baggage I guess you could say, I still had strong mental ties to... and I thought of all these memories as I was making my first epic trek to the Black Box of San Diego, not knowing what to expect.... And during this ride, I invented a Black Box song (which the recording is buried somewhere in my computer) and then I invented this song "Why do I have to go through the past just to get to the future?" which embodies the notion that INTERNAL MENTAL EVOLUTION IS REQUIRED IN ORDER TO SEE A NEW EXTERNAL ENVIRONMENT AND TO ALTER YOUR EXISTING BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS. Which is kind of the jist of what I'm doing right now....
Little did I know that months and months later... Jules has become a staple being in my life.... He has definitely helped me "go through the past" to "get to the future." Because I know I'm not going down my own rabbithole... alone.
1 comment:
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