I am going in part through a mental crisis. Matt needs some time out to go home and take a step outside of life. I told him that he opens up my mind's heart. He will be out for a week or so, and I respect his need for space. He said he is confused about things, which I understand. Emotions are so overwhelming. He said that I was a very intelligent person, but intelligence has no meaning when there is no underlying emotional drive that allows the pouring out of such emotions in an organized form of beauty of Reality. I hope I don't lose him. I hope I don't lose Mike or Thera or any of this Microcosmos of safety and comfort and fostering of creativity. I have to keep writing, just as I am right now, writing out of distraction. I must keep writing as if I am writing to Matt. I have showed him things I never had the opportunity to show anyone else. I realized this. One of these things being the "Synergism Contract," which now I think is tacky. The other thing was this poem I wrote on a little geology card: "I'm not looking for anything / for I've already found. But once you're done with your searching / *to let you know* I'll be around." I am experiencing withdrawal. You come to appreciate something once you lose it. I cannot lose this. Fxck goddxmmit I am a eusocial mammal, and I succumb to it. I am not going to give up. Matt is Buz with a face. Buz is real. I never thought Buz would be real. That is the most shocking and superbly tragic thing in my life. I invented a fictitious character in my mind due to the absence of its realistic existence, and suddenly *voila!* presto. Buz exists. Buz can exist in tangible reality. I will just keep writing as fiercely, and as emotional as possible, as if I am writing to Matt, as if at the end of the day, and the end of the day, I can show Matt all the absurdity I have accomplished, and he can provide such insightful feedback as he does. I have hope, because he said he would call me after his personal adventures in San Diego. Life can be so rich and so empty in a matter of a few moments. Matt said not to beat myself up. He said he needed space. Everything is okay, Vic. It is with a seal of the lips. I have hope. I don't want to lose any of this.
Above, Matt, are my two images I made for Ben Halpern's class. I was stressed out the night before about creating a powerpoint presentation for a case study in conservation and how scientific knowledge is being applied to policy decisions. I was being excessively artistic due to my anxiety, but managed to pull off some pieces of art that were laying dormant and stagnant in my brain for so long. I introduced the powerpoint presentation with these two slides, claiming perhaps this could be the next "university drama intellectual soap opera," well, at least the "Science to Policy: Conservation in Action or Lost in Translation" part of it.... Matt, oh Matt. I hope you are listening. I hope you care.
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